New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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