My hand turned me down
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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