that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
