I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
