i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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