i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize