My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
