pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
did i just pee glitter
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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