Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
