he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
