it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
