You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
this just has baby written all over it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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