im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
