The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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