I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
