She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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