The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
