Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize