So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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