I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
