I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
