Please, let me fuck your mom
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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