I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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