This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
