You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize