dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
