Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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