Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
