I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
