I think i sorta joined a cult last night
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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