dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
