Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
