She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
