I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
