Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
