I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
