Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
