im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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