That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
