I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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