i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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