I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
