actually, I'm a sock model
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize