The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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