Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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