I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
you never un-have a 4some
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
