So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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