i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
