I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Less talking, more tequila
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
