he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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