yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
