i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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