I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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