I just saw a hot homeless man
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
sex in a hospital.. check
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
