U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
