My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize